Last week, I had the immense privilege of attending my friend Allan's medically assisted death. It was a peaceful, dignifed death, exactly what Allan had hoped. The sunflowers and golden rod in the photo were in the room where he died, and capture the essence of the energy that afternoon. Yes, death too can be beautiful.
Allan was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer in May 2019. No one thought he would live so long, but he unexpectedly responded really well to immunotherapy. He was among the first in Kingston to receive it, and it gave him another 5+ years. Unfortunately, COVID kept him at home and isolated for a big chunk of that time; he would joke about how startled people were to see him once he was out and about again. Even when the tumours started to grow again, and he decided not to have harsh, additional chemotherapy that was unlikely to change anything other than his quality of life, he outlived his physicians' prognoses.
After his partner, Demetra, arrived from Greece, the week before his death, he settled on a date and time. His daughter, Jess, drove up from Virginia to stay with him and Demetra. Demetra could have (understandably) moped around the house crying, but instead, she was determined to surround him with love and beauty, and to keep the atmosphere light and joyous. She cooked his favourite Greek dishes and we enjoyed meals together. I've never seen Allan so relaxed, content, at peace.
Perhaps he "let go" once his time was set, but his energy and strength declined rapidly in a few days. In the hour before he died, he could barely manage the stairs to go to the bathroom. So, his timing was impeccable. It was so important to him to be able to stay in his home, with dignity.
We enjoyed one last delicious brunch, with wine. Allan told us he'd like one last kiss from each of us before the procedure began. He had one last smoke and got his kisses before he laid on the sofa. Demetra put Simon & Garfunkel's Concert in Central Park on the turntable.
His palliative nurse had inserted an IV port the day before (actually, two ports, one in each arm, in case one failed). The physician asked Allan if he knew why he was there. Allan responded clearly and strongly that he knew why the physician was there, that he was ready, and this is what he wanted. The physician quickly administered several syringes of medication. Allan went to sleep and stopped breathing within a couple of minutes. I was astonished at how quick it was. So peaceful. And there was applause from the Central Park concert. As Demetra said, the whole thing was like something out of a movie.
About a half hour later, as schedued, Burton, from Direct Cremation Services in Kingston, came to pick up his body. Burton is professional, kind, and gentle. He gives a sense that he loves his work. I highly recommend his services for simple cremation, without any pressure to add anything.
And then we went to Allan's most recent favourite pub, The Duchess, with a small group of Allan's oldest guy friends and their wives. It was a fitting send-off.
For most of his life, Allan was adamant that death was "THE END." No afterlife. Over the past while, he clearly was re-thinking that position. All the same, I was shocked to get a message from him for the three of us, via a friend of mine who has a lifelong gift of communicating with spirits. She had never met him, hadn't heard anything of what he communicated to her. She said he came to her while she was eating dinner and insisted that she listen right then to what he had to say (apparently spirits are like that!). He acknowledged his shortcomings, apologized, expressed gratitude and love. It was so clearly him. Some might think this "woo-woo" but I've decided to tell the story for those who might find comfort in it, or for whom it might give "food for thought." I am completely convinced of the authenticity and veracity of it.
Allan enriched my life while he was alive, and his death takes nothing away from that. Now that he is gone, I am left with friendships with two amazing women, Demetra and Jess, who were so important to him, and I would never have met otherwise. He lived a meaningful life that profoundly impacted many people and has a lasting legacy. We should all be so fortunate. His obituary can be found here.
I know that he has found peace. And I have been so richly blessed.
